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Like a child

10/24/2019

Warning...emotionally motivated blog ahead.

I just finished sending out an email to the Milk Project sponsors. Maria and the staff compiled prayer requests from all 75 children in Tegucigalpa and 25 in Sampedrana.

I proof read all 100 prayer requests, and once again I was humbled by the nature, thoughtfulness, and character of the requests. Requests for parent's health, for them to be able to find work so that they could buy food for them to eat. To do better in school, to not be angry and fight, to meet their birth parents, to get over pain...and thankfulness for the Milk Project and the people that work there, for the sponsors...the list goes on.

I have learned quite a bit about prayer living here, and learned a lot about prayer from visiting homes and talking with people, and that includes a fair number of children.

I read 100 prayer requests from mostly happy, well behaved, polite, good kids. At least, that is how I see them when I get to interact with them.

What I sometimes forget though is that everyone has problems and everyone has a story, of which I am not getting all the chapters. And if I think about it...I don't even read or understand all of my own story.

For example, through some conversations of late, I have realized some things about myself. I reckon that there are maybe two handfuls of people in the world that I think actually like me. (even writing that feels smug...I say to myself "Really? You really think that many people like you?" Now, this is not some fact I know, or rational thought that only ten or so people might enjoy my company, but that is what I believe to be true...that at best people tolerate my presence.

Reading through those prayer requests was hard. Lots of just sad life situations/stories. But there was also hope, and rejoicing in them. There was trust that prayers make a difference. And if I think about it, the trust that this is not the end of the story.

Thinking of that, and then through a devotion shared recently in our leadership group from someone battling depression and the heavy reality of that...immediately mixed with the joy of reading 2 Corinthians 4...is powerful, twisting stuff.

To understand yourself, to understand myself, that down deep what profound self-hate and sadness might be there, and then to remember, like a child trusting in their Good Father (a child or adult who might not even know their earthly father or have memories of combining those words good and father) and can share in Paul's words (2 Corinthians 4, The Message) saying...

5-6 Remember, our Message is not about ourselves; we’re proclaiming Jesus Christ, the Master. All we are is messengers, errand runners from Jesus for you. It started when God said, “Light up the darkness!” and our lives filled up with light as we saw and understood God in the face of Christ, all bright and beautiful.
7-12 If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness. We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That’s to prevent anyone from confusing God’s incomparable power with us. As it is, there’s not much chance of that. You know for yourselves that we’re not much to look at. We’ve been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we’re not demoralized; we’re not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we’ve been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn’t left our side; we’ve been thrown down, but we haven’t broken. What they did to Jesus, they do to us—trial and torture, mockery and murder; what Jesus did among them, he does in us—he lives! Our lives are at constant risk for Jesus’ sake, which makes Jesus’ life all the more evident in us. While we’re going through the worst, you’re getting in on the best!
13-15 We’re not keeping this quiet, not on your life. Just like the psalmist who wrote, “I believed it, so I said it,” we say what we believe. And what we believe is that the One who raised up the Master Jesus will just as certainly raise us up with you, alive. Every detail works to your advantage and to God’s glory: more and more grace, more and more people, more and more praise!
16-18 So we’re not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There’s far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can’t see now will last forever.

I, for one, am falling apart, on the outside and the inside. But in that mess I have made, I cannot deny God is making new life. Really? Yes really. Can't I stop looking at what I can see and instead focus on what God sees and trust Him like a child?

Moment of clarity (which I have received and been knocked upside the head multiple times before with, and still need such hits): The focus of my story isn't me anymore...it is Christ in me.

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Clinic happenings

10/18/2019

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We often times don't have many pictures to share of what goes on in the clinic on a daily basis. Stopping to take pictures, or even asking to take pictures, isn't always the most respectful of ideas.

What everyone is able to do there really is impressive though. Especially when you are trying to provide good care to people that sometimes do not have the funds to help themselves with medicines, feel the need to half their doses to make medicines last, or face a litany of other hurdles to keep paces with the challenges of life and living it.

I did get this picture recently of Maria. She is 93 years old. Her family abandoned her, but another family took her in to care for. She was using a stick to help her walk...but they were able to remedy that with a new walking cane. She wasn't a patient officially, but when getting her the new walking piece, they took her blood pressure for good measure while she was waiting out the in parking lot.

We have also pushed to do some remodeling in the clinic.

The patient and staff bathrooms we installed ten years ago were not the best. We knew that when we put them in, but we were out of funds, and when push came to shove...it was open with temporary bathrooms, or not open for quite a while.

Those temporary bathrooms were usable, and actually held up pretty well for what they were, but after ten years...they were past their prime, and not very easy to keep sanitary/clean.

So we swallowed hard, and took the plunge to build them so they should not need touching again (other than cleaning and maybe some equipment repair) with concrete walls, tile that can be wiped down and won't stain with time, and more individualized bathrooms (individual lights, extractors, doors and walls that go all the way to the ceiling.

Blue for the walls of course.

Remodeling both bathrooms wasn't easy, but it definitely was needed.

Somewhat unique to our situation, because we run on cisterns, and sometimes run out of water, we created a way to continue to have water even when our main cistern is out to still have water in the bathrooms. As you can imagine, in a clinic, bathrooms are not just necessary, but often times necessary with urgency.

So we built a tower and bought yet another cistern to make these bathrooms independent for those times.

While we were at it, we moved the pila outside for washing out mops and the like. Again, more hygienic. We could not have even dreamed of this ten years ago since the property was not fenced.

And...notice the red second floor is now blue! We had some fading with the red paint, and to avoid rust and more problems...we just painted the entire building (and some of the roof that also had fadining)

Of course, it can't be all good news. The ultrasound that just arrived...doesn't work. We are seeing if it can be fixed. Thankfully we have the portable still in good repair.

And this lovely phoropter also arrived broken. It was able to be fixed at some cost...which is when it was realized that it is setup backwards, as they are when used by ophthalmologists. So it is usable...but a bit of a pain to translate everything for use giving prescriptions and glasses. You think it is confusing when a doctor gives you an exam normally...think of the poor patient and doctor that had to figure that out the first time it was used here!

Please pray for the staff of the clinic to continue to strive for excellent thought and care given to their patients, transmitting via word and deed as well the love of Christ in all they do!

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Grow them up

10/17/2019

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We are learning. Sometimes it does not feel like we are doing it quick enough, but it does add up.

How we work out the day to day activities of the Milk Project continues to grow, as well as how to get the kids involved in those activities.

We started a little garden experiment behind the clinic in the new area we finished this summer with groups. What all will grow there is still in progress...but they are already able to harvest and use some cilantro.

They also continue to look for ways to get involved outside the building. Maria continues to want to instill in them not to litter and help take care of the neighborhood. Sometimes that means helping pick up trash on the streets...or here on the clinic property as well.

The avocado trees in Sampedrana may not get to be huge (they look more like bushes than huge trees) but that makes them much easier to harvest. Eventually we think we will sell some of them, but right now we are happy to use as many as possible right back in the mission, especially in the Milk Project in Sampedrana. We would not have the budget to buy these, and knowing how nutritious they are, it is great to get to see them added to their diet.

Working with people, trying to help people make life changes isn't easy. Last week one of the family's that has children in the Milk Project had major problems, with the estranged mother coming to their home at 11:30PM drunk, and threw their old, heavy TV, injuring two of her daughters. Maria took them in for the evening after their father asked for help, just so they could actually sleep.

Please pray for our staff and the kids. We don't have this down to a science, but we are trying to look consistently for new ideas, new methods, and new ways to help grow the kids and families in our areas, practically, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.

If you ever have ideas or materials you think we could use...let us know!

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Life and death

10/5/2019

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, Living our lives sneaks up on us sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I get regular reminders of the following:

One does not know what the day will bring.
Everything is fine, until it isn’t.

It is hard to prepare yourself sometimes given those axioms, but it is possible…to some extent. I find that in praying, and in being mindful of the things I take for granted (well, as many as I can remember) and in practicing flexibility, it helps. You might notice I am proclaiming, while also leaving myself an out. We will get back to that.

In the past couple of weeks, there has been quite a bit going on around the mission. The good news is…I can’t possibly cover it all in one blog post. The better news is that I won’t even try.

One of the cool things was seeing 65 people come for a seminar on leadership and evangelism. It was especially cool because the Church we work with next door let us use their building to do it, an organization provided the funding to get the trainer (Bring Good News), Walk through the Bible did the teaching, and we had The Milk Projects and several different Churches represented. Bringing that all together was definitely a God thing. And the good news is that we have a follow-up conference also to come on the same topic coming in November.

One thing we had not really planned on, was sending Alexis from Cantarranas to help pastor Manuel in Talanga. Having recently completed his pastoral studies up North, we have been watching to see how God might use Alexis going forward, and in seeing the need to help Manuel and try to find ways to add members to the Church, especially men and families…sending him there for a couple months to help do home Bible studies seemed like a pretty good idea.

It was a normal weekday morning when I got a phone call from Maria. And it was around 7:30, before she goes into work. Odd I thought, I better interrupt my running and take this call, it could be urgent. Maria had come across someone in our neighborhood who had apparently fallen in the ditch the night before, when it was raining, and had been convulsing. She did not know her other than seeing her in the neighborhood trying to sell soap or find recyclables she could sell. The public ambulance system had been advised, but would not take her to the hospital, as they could not lift her. I wasn’t clear on what our official ambulance policy was as a mission/clinic, but I did not really need a policy fresh in mind to tell us what to do. Jorge took the guys getting ready to do construction, went in the ambulance, and they got her to the hospital. I was glad we had an ambulance that day (thanks again to FAME and IDES) and staff to not only drive it but provide care along the way (one of our nurses goes with the patient.)

It is often said that good deeds are their own reward, and in this case, after everyone sprang into action, I said a prayer for healing, and went on with our day…without a way to follow up, it would be hard to know who she was, and what happened. It was not long though before Maria had visitors, it turns out that the woman died the next day after being taken to the hospital, but her daughters specifically came back to give thanks for the help provided. Good deeds can indeed be their own reward…in this case though, we had no idea when providing the minimum of help we thought we could provide would be seen or appreciated by anyone else.

The same day, Maria saw Mariza’s mother, who lives just down the block from the Milk Project, and she was very sick, and had not been able to go to the bathroom for over a week. (Mariza attends the Milk Project.) As the ambulance was gone…she found her another ride to the hospital. Unfortunately, though, her condition was too advanced and she died by the next morning. For a time, the family was asking Maria to be the one to break the news to Mariza. Her father though was able to get there, and they did it together, but for a few hours it was tough to figure out what was going to happen, and how to best go about everything related to that.

Life, living, growth…death, depression, illness. Some days it can be one way, the other…or even both. I wouldn’t think I would need reminders of that to appreciate what I have, what is now, and the many gifts I have. But even in praying and trying to remember, there is a problem. And it is me. God is faithful, good, and has a perfect plan. But I forget that routinely, can’t see enough of that plan to always trust like I should, and just plain get scared sometimes with what I can see all around me.

Most days…in big ways, small ways, or just every way, I need the reminder that “He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world.”

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don't send them back

9/7/2019

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I was running today, something I like to do most of the time. And for a while, I was crying. Crying and running don't usually go together. I wasn't even listening to a touching sermon. I was listening to This American Life, a story about someone telling someone to go back to where they came from, and someone else that stood up to that bully and said "leave her alone."

I probably can't put it into words...but it just hit me hard, that when we are mistreated, when we feel threatened, scared, or somehow wronged, we want people to pay, or to leave, or to suffer. But that is not the example we have in Christ...collectively we have offended Him in the most grievous, heinous, terrible ways. We cursed Him, we spit on Him...we killed Him. We deserve hell, justly so. And yet...He lived and died not to send us there...but to glorify God and save us.

And so I cried. I thought I understood...but then I understood a little more, a little better, and it humbled me. I was, and sometimes still am, that guy screaming "GO BACK WHERE YOU CAME FROM!" And yet I can see it so clearly...Christ smiling, loving me all the while. I know not what I do. Wow, that hurts...and then is so comforting as well.

Recently we had some trouble in Sampedrana...the Milk Project director reported that the pastor was turning off the water valve to the building. (like most of us...we need to work on some interpersonal communication tools there.)

Turns out, that was not the case, the pastor was not fiddling with the water control valves.

Instead, they had been stolen.

That's right, someone found the right spot, turned off the water, and made off with the key, so to speak, to prevent the entire campus from having water.

Why? There is no material gain here in this "theft" but rather just the opportunity to be a nuisance.

Go back where you came from, that sort of thing. Being a Christian in Sampedrana certainly does not make you popular, and sometimes, there are even consequences to that.

We pray for safety, we pray for encouragement...but we also pray for those that would rather us leave, for Christ to touch their hearts.

In Talanga, Manuel has had some help the last month. Alexis finished his training up North, and while they are formulating a plan for him to help maybe in Cantarranas, him spending a few months in Talanga to help evangelize and visit families.

Working in Talanga also isn't easy sometimes. Knocking on more doors though and getting a no means you are just that much closer to someone who will say yes. But after years of that...it can be hard to keep going, and having someone else to help you can be very powerful, and encouraging.

The Milk Project is trying to take advantage of the new finished garden behind the clinic and fresh dirt to plant some vegetables. They are going to try eggplant, cherry tomatoes, carrots, cilantro and others.

They are excited. I am excited. It won't be easy, that is the way of good things. But they are not alone, and they have help.

I have been told before to go back where I came from. Not agreeing with someone, what I believe perhaps not being tolerated, or just appearing threatening to someone's normalcy sometimes can produce that reaction.

I am instead looking forward to where I will go, and how many people we can help go there as well, not by forcing, hating, or convincing.

Plant some seeds, have some conversations...with others, and most importantly, with God. It is amazing where it will take you...sometimes the journey being within your own mind.

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Shaka, when the walls fell

8/16/2019

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I have been trying to keep my arms wide, and eyes wide for a while. Trying to be more observant, more forward thinking, and hopefully more empathetic and not stuck in data/words/budgets/etc.

I was reminded recently that I still have a ways to go. Not that I was getting cocky, no way. But, during some regular sponsor communication with a Milk Project sponsor, I shared a picture Maria had sent me. In her notes, she pointed out that this older boy was wearing pink flip flops because he had no shoes and was wearing his mom's to come to the project.

I had not noticed. What was worse, upon including this sobering note to the sponsor, who was much more eagle eyed...she responded that he was wearing those same sandals in another picture posted to social media two weeks prior. I missed that too.

Sometimes I see smiling kids, being fed, participating in activities, and doing homework...and forget a truth that I heard again today from Stephen Colbert..."everyone is suffering."

Trying to see where someone else is, how they are suffering, whether physical, emotional or spiritual...is not always easy. It takes time and purposefulness. I have found, ultimately, it takes a Higher Power.

But we will still fail. And we also suffer. We all share in that.

Sometimes the best way to move forward is to find people with whom we can share those failures and struggles, and the faith that enables us to get back up, as well as lift each other up.

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Dream and act

8/15/2019

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I really have been meaning to blog. I suppose you could call this an apology. During our June and July with groups, timing was difficult. But I was thinking about it. It is usually a good release for me. But when I thought about writing something down...I had a combination of writer's block and frustration with my own emotions.

It was good while it lasted, our time with groups this year as a family. Five groups...so much they accomplished. I could post pictures of the physical work done, but more impressive, and longer lasting still in my mind is what cannot be seen that they did...prayers, encouragement, growth, and more.

Now, I settle (he writes...chuckling) into getting back into administration mode...pushing us forward as a mission to look to the next few months, and already next year, and beyond. There is a lot to do after the groups left...most of which we can now do because they were here. Several groups blessed us with extra funds to keep things going in construction, we have group funds now to complete the mission house remodel, and as well some much needed funds to continue the road work in Sampedrana. But the dreaming, the planning, the communicating, and trying to help one another as we work towards our common goals, definitely takes time, prayer, and patience.

I'll admit, being back here full time is very comfortable, and an easier work load really than being in the US trying to work there and work here, but it also brings things much closer to home, if you will. That was one advantage of being in the US...being able to remain more emotionally detached. I say advantage, but really that too has its pluses and minuses. It might make it easier on me, but that is not necessarily better.

Getting to hold the hands of Milk Project children that are dealing with scarring allergies and no money for medicine...seeing on their faces the telltale look of being made fun of and ashamed for how they look, and to get to hug them and ignore the superficial is hard...and good for the soul. Knowing their emotional and spiritual needs and thinking about our staff trying to meet those and nurture them daily...the clinic trying to heal and encourage every day, pastors doing the same, coffee farmers trying in their way the same as well...overwhelming. Overwhelming what they are doing, and what could be to come.

I continue to pray about hiring an English teacher for the Milk Project. I can see down the tube of time and see opportunities for work with this language skill developed, doors opened, and lives changed...actually beyond what I can conceive.

I got to see some of the English classes that some of the kids actually get. It is more written than verbal, and the picture to the right is just one example of classes that are...close I suppose.

It won't be easy, it will require change, patience, and quite a bit of effort, but I can see it will be worth it.

In seeing the Milk Project kids doing homework and what they have copied in school I saw the page to the right. It says:

"What we know is that we live in difficult times, but the exit to this crisis is not migration, but looking for mechanisms to survive in our land. We can take advantage of the opportunities that present themselves to us in the community where we live, and work hard so that we do not lack what is necessary."

I don't know who wrote that, and I am not sure I agree with all of it, but it is definitely a call to action I find exhorting...physically and spiritually. Now, let's go dream...and act.

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ramblings of an angry man

6/12/2019

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I have been filling in for Valerie this week in the rural brigades/health days we are doing. She was unable to go at the last minute, as the other doctor in the clinic to see patients has been called away and will be gone for a while. But, it is not a big deal we reasoned, as things were set up to only be distributing reading glasses to people over 40 (since I was going to be by myself in that area while the rest of the group is doing medical outreach...doing a full array of glasses and fuller exams is not quite so feasible by yourself in these settings.)

This plan makes perfect sense...except when you factor in the fact that some people need help and figure, when is the next time they are going to see us? (For some of these places it has been quite a while, since we have not had any student teams to help us for several years.)

So instead of just picking through some reading glasses, it has been days of interesting conversations about mostly normal stuff (pterygiums, aged related cataracts, allergies, dry eye, young kids needing glasses for school work...even trauma related retinal scarring and the like.)

But then came the mother with her seven year old son. He has a lazy eye and wanted to check on him after trying to get him seen at the public hospital but missing an appointment (very long distance away for them) and then seeing a private doctor nearby in Comayagua.

The private doctor told her that nothing could be done, that he did not need glasses, and not to let anyone ever do surgery on his eye.

What you can see there instead of black in his pupil is a congential cataract, to go along with his strabismus (the lazy eye...in this case, his right eye is angled out to the right)

This is frustrating, because the doctor here told her that surgery would not help since he was over five years old. That is not true. It is possible he could see if he got surgery, along with other help. Likely not 20/20, but something. It is also not true that he should not be wearing glasses, since he should have protection for his good eye!

I share this mostly out of frustration and the need to speak my mind and wrestle though some things, and in anger over the overwhelming lack of good eye care in Honduras for most people...and even sometimes when they go to see doctors and still don't get good information. But also, in the midst of my own struggles with inadequacy, and the natural tendency to wonder what can I possibly do to help?

Surrender is hard sometimes. Acquiescing to higher powers (be them others telling you that you can do something, or God telling you to do something you know you can't do without Him) can be a difficult skill to acquire.

So, as I share out of my frustration not to you dear reader but instead to myself...I say in exhortation, SNAP OUT OF IT! We have been given knowledge, wisdom, and not a spirit of fear, but rather the Holy Spirit, being equipped to do every good work set out for you ahead of time. Read 2 Timothy 1 and learn to suck it up buttercup! Fake it until you make it!

I might not think I am good enough, smart enough, or that dog gone it, people don't like me...but it doesn't matter what I think, or even what might be 100% true about all that, because God's Word is true above and beyond anything real about me, and He tells me...

10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

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Trust and obey

6/6/2019

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Believe it or not, I try not to think too much. At least not about some things. But I know that even though we stated before we went to the US that we were planning to come back, that many people doubted us at best, and some thought there was some sort of cover up or the like. There wasn't...but I also understand from seeing many other missionaries/pastors/people make life announcements how some could have interpreted it that way.

So, what's the real story, especially now that we are back in Honduras?

Spending about ten months in the USA (minus several trips back home for groups) was a bit of a challenge to our living to Honduras. We anticipated that, and even wanted to be open to if God was using this trip to perhaps change our "calling" (a term worth some further discussion in another post.) Plus we were hoping we were flexible enough, that adapting to living there would not be too hard for us, but that would also then make it harder to leave.

But how about our main purpose: relationships with Churches/supporters/friends? Defining the trip as a success is not easy to quantify. Many visits were made, relationships were deepened, meetings had...it certainly seems like it was well worth it, and we learned a bunch I think that we can continue to use going forward. But everyone always says that. What do the numbers say? Well, the numbers as we finish up in terms of getting new donations/partners or however you look at numbers, would not say it was a huge success. Our current level of "on board monthly supporters" is less than it was 2018. Some of the contacts we made though might take another six months...or more to even know if they will be productive in that way. Patience is key.

So is trusting in God's will and not what we can see, taste, or feel.

There is a rub. If we went purely based on the above, we probably would have stayed in the US. Being back for a longer stretch, I can see the appeal of living there in many ways. But try as I might to be a terrible Christian (or so it would seem to me) I can't get away from God's clear call keeping us here. It is not like I am trying to run away...just the opposite. I see the mountain o'money we could be making in the US, the relative ease of...everything? (best I not start a list, might be depressing). And yet while on a rational side I can see then how it would be better to live somewhere up North...there is this faith component, and a voice in my head that defies logic and instead insists on a different path. And I know it is not my voice!

We might have to make a change in the future, and then again we might die here (today, tomorrow or sometime in the future.) But whatever we do...whatever you do, I implore us to continually take it before God for His direction in our lives. Sometimes if we are attuned and listening, the direction is clear. Other times and other things we might have freedom to explore or try different things and get course corrections mid stream. But making a practice of setting aside our will and seeking God's is so key to balance, stability, and peace in life. If you don't believe in God, I understand how that might rub you the wrong way, and I don't say all this to be pushy. But we have been exposed to something, Someone, that we cannot ignore, and it would be disingenuous to hold that in and not share it. I know it doesn't make sense in the conventional way, but for us there is no other way.

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Hail to the coffee

5/22/2019

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We have had a great group from Christ's Church here this week. Thanks to their help in our coffee ministry, we have been able to grow quite a bit, in building our new raised drying beds, new wash plant (both in Las Botijas) and in starting a huge nursery to plant while they were with us this week.

It is hard to put into words what it is like to get to see guys being employed in all this, to see them eager to work, and to see our farm managers eager to use the opportunities to reach them, and help the mission overall do more all around Honduras.

But there are always setbacks...it is just a fact of life. This past week, while Rony was at a marriage seminar/retreat for pastors, there was a hail storm that came through in Las Botijas. It wiped out the beans he planted two months ago (one more month and they would have been harvested...about an acre's worth) and did considerable damage to many of the trees on the property all around...and especially to our nursery for the planting we were to do, losing around 2000 saplings to the pounding they took. We almost had enough for the property even with the damage, but that financial loss in those broken and damaged saplings hurts. But to talk to Oscar and Rony, they lament the loss but at the same time recognize it is normal and don't let it seem to bother them.

Just be praying for these hard workers, and for the opportunities to share Christ as they walk and work daily...and as well for opportunities for us to broaden exporting this great product to help us do even more of this!

On a positive note...those avocado trees in Sampedrana are coming along nicely enough...starting to send back fruit for use in the Milk Project, mission, and even for some group use!